the unbearable and extraordinary [entries|friends|calendar] theunbearable [ userinfo | insanejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | insanejournal calendar ]

Up at 4 am [13 Apr 2013|06:24am] [ mood | melancholy ] [ music | Jose Gonzalez ] What is the truth? I feel like I’ve been asking myself this question over and over again, since I realized that “life as we know it” is not really life at all. I’ve been trying to find the essence of existence that is impossible to touch because the slightest brush would taint it, interpret it, fill it with impurity and make it into “life as we know it”. I’ve been searching for the pattern that forms us all, that paints us how we are, that designs the imperfections meticulously but never dares to call them its own. When I say pattern I’m not eluding to god, but something that exists independently, that is not entangled in history and love and life in the same way everything that has lived or will ever live is, that has not been touched by the eyes and minds of human kind. I’ll be the first to admit how big the universe is, how big and always growing bigger, expanding outwards into a realm that we only can imagine because of our complete and utter certainty that nothingness is not a thing which exists or can exist, and I’ve tried to think about what’s on the other side of the void, what’s beyond “life as we know it” but because whatever the fuck universe means and implies is bigger than all of humanity as a whole is capable of thinking about, I haven’t exactly gotten far. It’s not good or bad, I know shit will work out, whether I find the essence of existence or realize what’s on the other side of the void I’ll be happy and well-adjusted, I’ll grow old and still think about it sometimes, but really I’ll be worrying about other things. Maybe I’ll have kids, and they’ll think about the same things we all think about when we wake up at 4am and find the world asleep, and “life as we know it” seems to be ripped at the seams, and we realize just how ridiculous and amazing it is that right now we’re alive, and that we’ve existed our whole lives, along with another 8 billion people, who all have their own vivid and complex lives, ambitions and loves, their own version of insanity, their own epiphanies and favourite foods and hidden strangeness. Then maybe they’ll try and imagine all of us, present in space and time, interweaving and in motion, and they won’t be able to, and then they’ll realize it’s not good or bad, shit will work out, they’ll be happy and well-adjusted and then they’ll die and the world will go on without them, everyone with the same things on their mind, still waking up at 4am to think about it all. post comment

oh religion... [10 Aug 2012|08:23pm] While I'm not condoning the abandonment of reason in favour of a supernatural being, or the violence perpetuated by many religions throughout history, I think to dismiss religion with no recognition of it’s value and importance in cultures both alike and different from our own on this incredibly limited basis is wrong. Throughout the world, religion can be and is being used as a reason to become a better person, focus on self-improvement, and to hope when there is nothing left to hope for. As long as there are people who are using religion as a means to become a better person, I have huge issues with those who say the world as a whole would be better without religion. I am not religious, but I still do not feel righteous in taking away another person’s sense of hope or reason for living a good life, because I do not feel qualified to raise my own beliefs up against other. Atheism is a religion in its own way, that involves a similar amount of delusional thinking, like completely denying the fact that there could have possibly been a god/godess/gods/greater power than us (even if that power is an alien) involved in the process of our creation. Humans are not on the level to go about making any sure claims about what’s what in the universe, and even the most educated scientists hesitate to tell you any absolute truths about anything they've discovered. While the likelihood of a god is slim and the likelihood it will be as we have imagined in on Earth is even slimmer, the chances that what we believe created the world based on science is true is also very very slim, and to go around saying what is true or not true at this point is delusional no matter how you frame it. Extremism furthermore, is not a red-herring for religion itself; it is a red-herring for religion which does not evolve its practices with the ethics and standards of the current times. A religion like Unitarian Universalism, which holds no standards for beliefs but simply asks of us to live an accepting, honest, and just life can give us all the good things about religion (a sense of hope, the will to do good, the feeling of togetherness) without the armed destruction (whether bibles or bullets; whether committed by Atheists or Christians) of people different from us. I am almost 98% sure that there is no God, but that is due to my religious beliefs, and I have no way of proving to you whether there is or not. Until then, when we understand everything in the Universe beyond a doubt, I refuse to go on hate campaign against religion based on the fact that it can’t be used for good in some form (which it can and is), and that what they say isn’t true to some extent (which no one, especially not someone like me can say). post comment

[29 Feb 2012|02:18pm] they, sweet as meadow, pawn at spring, rattling the hourglass with wired fingers, black, dragging through white streets at dawn, subtle memoirs on their back, dragging them down with hollow eyes, hearts, ears, mouths, ribs. he who passes through the streets, hallucinating solutions to the stars, backyards green with envy. holy prophet sidewalk drain, where are you now when streets are flooded? when relics lay in alleys carelessly tossed aside, and the wise have become the young, when alphabet soup becomes a sin, it will be a morning of stained glass, and a single angel. post comment

A Recipe For Stem Tea [01 Feb 2012|01:59pm] [ mood | mischievous ] [ music | Beethoven ] I know how hard it is the make a good cup of stem tea, so i decided i should probably Share this with you. i stand behind it true and true. This website is jesus' Third coming: http://www.marijuana.com/cooking-marijuana-recipes/96870-amazing-stem-tea.html post comment

Band-a-gram [24 Jan 2012|05:45am] [ mood | awake ] [ music | only the good die young ] For all my readers (all two of you haha), and for my personal enjoyment, i've decided to map out my favourite obsession. the bands i'm currently in with people. sara and i are in Viento et Saule (wind and willow) currently doing: nothing previously did: nothing produced: nothing kas, haleigh and i were in a band that had no name currently doing: nothing previously did: band practice like three times a week produced: one original song recorded with shitty quality, and a whole lot of awesome covers riley, zack and i are in a rap group currently untitled but we do have rapper names! riley is lil scribbles, i am lumos maximus/handy/satellite, zack doesn't have one yet currently doing: writing of songs and trying to figure out how the fuck to make beats previously did: just started, so same as one above produced: nada cara and i are in a band titled either Stone Cold Silhouettes or Tempest Grey currently doing: just formed it today, so thinking of ideas? previously did: solo work, to be used in our album produced: nothing together yet dylan, jio, and i were in a rap group i should say dylan and i were in a rap group which we tried to force jio to be a part of rapper names: satellite dish (me), chevron 211 (dylan), jacousi (jio, pronounced like ja-cousin, but without the n) the moral of the story is that people suck at being in bands, and if anyone wants to start a real band they should call me. post comment

autumn and you [30 Oct 2011|05:07pm] [ mood | melancholy ] [ music | bob dylan ] a cool cloud rolls in, covering the earth in a soft blanket, autumn has come to shield us in it's mighty arms. crunching leaves listfully lazy, the quick snap of wind winding up every tree trunk, rattling every branch. somber like the ocean, summer sleeps, hibernating. our hands cold yet intertwined, letters on napkins, lips naked, together. our season leaving as quick as it came, you drive far. you cross city, and highway, and country, and i am here, i do not drive anywhere. post comment

sing with me [23 Aug 2011|11:50pm] [ mood | hopeful ] [ music | daniel johnston- worried shoes ] So now come sit down Will you talk with me now And let me see through your eyes Where there is so much light We are biding our time For these myths to unwind For these changes we will confront So please be aware with every Place that you herald And look to your soul For these things that you know For the trees that we see Cannot forever breathe With the changes they will confront You know some people they just won't understand No, they just won't understand These things Thank you for your message but I don't understand No they just won't understand These things And this sacred land It has seen many hands It has wealth and gold Now it is fragile and old And now the greedy souls just don't care to know Of the changes it will confront So speak out loud Of the things you are proud And if you love this coast Then keep it clean as it evolves Because the way that it shines May just dwindle with time With the changes it will confront You know some people they just won't understand No, they just won't understand These things Thank you for your message but I don't understand No they just won't understand These things So hold nice and close Once you get to your soul So that when it is cold You won't feel so alone 'Cause the roads that you take May just crack and break With the changes you will confront With each gift that you share You may heal and repair With each choice you make You may help someone's day Well I know you are strong May your journey be long And now I wish you the best of luck Well I know you are strong May your journey be long And now I wish you the best of luck. You know some people they just won't understand No, they just won't understand These things Thank you for your message but I don't understand No they just won't understand These things post comment

[23 Aug 2011|12:33am] [ mood | morose ] [ music | breathe- pink floyd ] beneath sheets of mauve merigold lights meander lips like lemon poppies, sweet smoke seeps inwards onto old tongues, young with the scent of broken dawn, faded with the promise of a yesterday worth remembering, we sit, licking our lips. post comment

[23 Aug 2011|12:30am] roots of dark vines draw my feet solid to earth, head in space as i rock Rock. rocking to the beat of winds drum, as it grows tall as trees. post comment

[23 Aug 2011|12:26am] breathe. sanity is becoming on the lonliest of wanderers and in your eyes i see something past the glaze, past the white cats of new sleep. the tail of dreams lurks somewhere on your lips, just out of reach with the bubble of sweet breath. post comment

belief [16 Jul 2011|11:52pm] evolution left us with ideas that fully surpass our physical capabilities, and yet we still thrive, always one step ahead and with no idea where we're going post comment

[10 May 2011|10:52am] [ mood | drained ] Tears fell down his face, but it was the kind of fresh wash that knocked you out of the state you had once been in. And while the lingering sadness might have been unbearable, this was the welcome shudder one gets when they have been honest with oneself for the first time in too long, and the rush of emotion is balled up into those few teardrops that fall so silently onto your face in the quiet dew of morning, in a warm bed, with the sun having just rised and the sort of permitting aloneness hanging heavy in the air. Perhaps it had been earlier, when he was faced with his trouble that these feelings had first surfaced in some plain of sub-concious yet ever so concious thought, and while ashamed at the thought of the tears the relief from them came so smoothly that he hardly realized he had cried and all. Instead he slowly rose from bed, dressing himself with care in the sharp attire of a business man, and readied the ingredients to make scrambled eggs, contemplating whether it would rain today or not. post comment

depression [01 Apr 2011|10:49am] [ mood | depressed ] you once said that depression was waking up every morning with a tinge of sadness, this still rings true. i see the beauty in the sky, in the stars, in the earth beneath my feet, in the smiles of friends, in anger and sadness, but perhaps depression is to know the beauty and for it not to make a difference. you said that you take the pills because when you don't have any highs anymore, you'd rather be neutral. i just want to be content, i just want to wake up in the morning and look at my wall and see a wall, not something so crushingly despairing that i can't bear to get up. depression is the worst because you never know what's wrong, and you don't know what's wrong you can't fix it. i sometimes wish she could understand, what it's like to be hopeless, to be paralyzed with fear, to be beaten down every day by yourself, to learn to hide it all. one of my best friends told me once that i'm the only reason she comes to school, because whatever mood she's in, no matter what happened the day before or what will happen the day after, i can make her smile. why can't i do that for myself? post comment

today in mourning [01 Apr 2011|10:36am] [ mood | drained ] [ music | adventures in solitude- new pornographers ] i have not been sleeping well. it's hard to when darkenss is filled with those from the tsalmaveth. seekers of something, yet nothing i can give. in the shadows they lie in plain sight, yet somewhat unseen. they crawl from walls and dark corners, i feel their skin on mine, their breath in my ear, i see their fingers seek. dark and child-like, who knows who they are, where they came from, or what they want. all i know is they stand in the darkess and watch me, coming close and drawing again far, disappearing and appearing, beckoning. morning brings no comfort, it seems strange to sit in this limbo, always moving between fear and depression, fear and depression, neither of which i understand, both of which consume me. i wish i could be swallowed whole and drown in them, to end this, when the phone rings unanswering, when the line clicks dead of those who see not what lurks, who feel not the peril, find their comfort in sleep. i am alone, the perfection of normality looms outside my grasp with taunting eyes and thick fingers. i am alone in the darkness, and in the light, where i remember only what will come when the sun falls. oh, tsalmaveth, seek me not, yet bony grasp draws tight in woe, the shades of yesteryear my foe, oh, tsalmaveth, seek me not. post comment

post notes [19 Mar 2011|07:52pm] [ mood | contemplative ] i've decided to keep writing this journal, i suppose i'll still write to you, even though you don't read this and will probably never read this again, so it will have to be a more ethereal you, but write i shall. post comment

i dreamt a dream last night [31 May 2010|02:31pm] [ mood | dangerous ] [ music | talk show host-radiohead ] i fell inwards, the door collapsing against my knock, i could feel her fingers intertwined in mine, her smile wary. i sauntered into the party, nodding at passing friends as i led her through the mass of bodies. to our left, a crowded table lay, lines of cocaine and e covered it's surface, an old friend rose from the chaos, "you can't walk through without taking a line, brother!" he crooned, a grin sneaking it's way across his face. "we have company, brother." i gestured towards the girl, she smiled sweetly in the background. "it could only make it better, brother!" he encouraged, i could feel his tug. "she's not that kind of girl, brother" i grinned and pulled her behind me towards the hallway. "you want it, brother, i know you do!" he was angry now. i smirked. "i'll kill you" he fumed, he started to make his way through the masses, pushing waves rippled through the crowd with every shove. "i would like nothing more than to die by your hand, brother" i kneeled, grinning, his gun pressing against my forehead. he chuckled, and, as if his ego had satisfied his gut, he ruffled my hair and made his way back towards the table. i led the girl into the nearest bedroom. post comment

look up [20 May 2010|05:06pm] [ music | 8 Full Hours of Sleep- Against Me! ] have you ever seen the sun rise? it wells up from somewhere forgotten. from beneath the depths of darkness, it blossoms. in hues of purple, red, orange, it comes slowly for those who patiently sit, waiting for it's glimmer of hope. my favourite time of the day is 4 am. it is the hour of everyone i've ever been. it's the hour of listening to your parents tear eachother apart. it's the hour of pouring over books past your bed time. it's the hour of long walks down abandoned streets with old friends. it's the hour of silent crying. it's the hour of sneaking out to do drugs and drink. it's the hour of withdrawl. it's the hour of tip toeing through your girlfriends house. it's the hour of getting caught. it's the hour of the blossoming writer. it's the hour of the insomiac. it's the hour of the sunrise some days, and the hour of darkness others. it's the hour of the future, past, and present, somewhere between night and day, somewhere between me and you. post comment

[08 Jan 2010|03:19pm] i feel like my mind is coming up with thoughts faster than i can think them. like the whole world's gone mad, and i'm left somewhere in the mix. maybe i'm crazy, who isn't these days anyways? i feel like something big needs to happen. i need to rid myself of some great turmoil, if i could only figure out what it is but it's lost under all this nonsense that i can't quite understands. i need to find the map and there's no one left who can help me. i'm pretty sure even you're not reading this anymore. post comment

for once it's just me. [06 Jan 2010|03:00pm] [ music | the wolves (act I and II)- bon iver ] you learn to close your eyes. let your mind slip back into a place where sound is simply a senseless throbbing, you can barely hear the shouting anymore. you release your soul from it's cage and your nerves stop short of feeling, no agony in this world could break you. you find yourself grasping, trying to get a grip on reality but you fumble and something slips. some cog of the intricate maze ceases to turn, pieces of you left behind in a place where they ceased to exist from day one. post comment

[02 Dec 2009|08:46am] [ mood | hurt ] Let me tell you what they told me, pull me up and choke me Cut me up and roughed me, now I'm standing on my own He kicked me down and broke me, held me down and choked me Swung me round and pushed me, now there's nowhere left to go And now I'm looking through you, someone that I once knew Break me down and kill me, cause I mean nothing at all Rip me up wide open, all the lies were spoken Hanging on the wire, it's too late for you to call Let me get away from here This place is dead, bad atmosphere There's nothing to do, and now the feeling's gone I'm writing to you, and it's just another love song Now I can't sleep at night, twitching in the spotlight Wake me up, I'm screaming, is there something I should know? The demon's coming through me, lock me up, confuse me Slow me down and raise it and there's nowhere left to go Let me get away from here This place is dead, bad atmosphere There's nothing to do, and now the feeling's gone I'm writing to you, and it's just another love song It's just another love song It's just another love song It's just another love song post comment

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